I've got two things that I feel like I need to get off my chest. They're things that have been irritating me. They deal with my old roommate's new apartment-mate, Lisa. Lisa's nice (she drove me to the emergency room at 10pm on a Friday night) and just a generally good person. But there's two things that are pissing me off that I just am beginning to refuse to talk about with her.
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First, I'm tired of this whole "virginity" thing. Yes, I'm a virgin. No, I've never had a first kiss. My old roommate's current roommate, Lisa (the person in whose apartment I'm typing from now), keeps pushing me to talk about boys and whenever she talks about her sexual experiences (with only one guy), she's always conscious of the fact that I've got zero experience. (My old roommate, Martine, has had almost zero experience, but she "talks to" guys in a possible relationship capacity.)
Earlier, she asked me how many guys I've liked in my life. There's only been four people I've had a crush on, but I told her that I never wanted to date them because I knew that's not really what I wanted in life, that I was just "crushing" on them. When I told those people that I liked them, it wore off. She thinks that I'm afraid to "let people in." She's seriously on the "prowl" for me, trying to match me up with people. She has a seriously different view of relationships than I do (which comes from her serious need to be in a monogamous relationship all the time… not going to elaborate, but it's only been with one guy).
To be honest, I am conscious of my singleness, but I'm at the point where I honestly don't care that I do not have a boyfriend. Do I care that I haven't experienced my "firsts" yet? Yes- I feel like the longer I wait, the smaller the pool of men there are that would tolerate (and understand) my position becomes. But if I find a person that honestly wants to be in a more-than-friends capacity with me, then I would probably let them in. Since I've waited so long, I'm not going to waste all of these "firsts" on someone who absolutely isn't right.
In short, I hate the fact that Lisa keeps pushing me to talk about it. I'm not close to anyone in college enough to talk about these things (maybe with the exception of Martine because I lived with her for a whole school year). And unless I spend a lot of time with you or our interests are already aligned, I'm really not going to let you in. I think Lisa's trying to get in my life, because she considers me her friend, but she's too wanting to know everything about me and "fix" me. I fix myself. No one else does. Especially not someone who doesn't even know about my "person" (haha, he wanted to be included). … I'm going to talk about that bit later.
So about the virginity thing (boyfriend, kissing, and sex)- leave me the fuck alone about it. I'm at the point where if it happens, it will happen because it feels right. Not because I need to get it out of the way because I feel "ashamed" or like I "missed out."
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Second thing that's bothering me- I told Lisa that I wouldn't sleep over unless I could get internet access. So, tonight I did, so I'm sleeping over. She asked me why it was so important that I was connected to the internet (by asking roundabout questions like what do Twitter and Facebook do for you). I don't think she realizes that my friends- true blue ones- are literally inside my computer. The people I talk to over the web (whether I know them in real life or just over the internet) are very dear to me. Not being connected to them would frustrate me. Just being on the internet just calms me down, allows me to enter a medium where I am not criticized or graded. The internet, for me, is very connected to writing. What if I get a fit of inspiration in the middle of the night? What do I do- wait? Ugh.
I think Lisa thinks that I'm one of those people who doesn't like talking to people in real life. As in, I'm awkward-socially deficient-whatever. And yes, to an extent I am, but it's really because the people who share my interests are on the internet. Why the hell would I surround myself with just Martine and Lisa? Martine makes me feel uneasy with her temperament if I've got too much of her, and Lisa's demeanor with her questions is just too intense.
Well, I told Lisa, "You know what, I don't think we should talk about this anymore, because you're not going to understand." And she's like "but I don't like being left hanging!" And I wanted to say "tough luck, you don't know me like that yet." Of course I tried to placate her, and then she said, "I don't like it when people get snippy with me!" I wanted to say that it's not going to help, me talking to a person who has a false sense of openmindedness. I don't know- it just irritates me.
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Third. LOL, I didn't think I'd have a third thing. But I guess Lisa wanting to "know me" faster than she should is just annoying. I take a while to warm up to people- even my architecture friends don't see me outside of school, and I've known them longer than Lisa. I'm not particularly an enigma- I'm quite simple, maybe even predictable. But I'm not going to let you get to know me when I know my views will be criticized. That's just how I am. I'd rather your perception of me be a frustrating "mystery" than an open book that you think of negatively. That's just how I am. I don't like people to know too much about me.
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Fourth thing. Last thing, I promise. I'm not pursuing boys/men until my "person" issue gets resolved. I don't care if it takes years, but I can't date someone while I still feel so attached to someone else. That would not be fair to the other person, and that wouldn't be good for my emotions. I feel strange thinking of myself dating boys when I'm so attached to an idea already. It's awful, but that's just what I think is best for me. It puts me in an odd place, but I don't care.
[Side note: I guess this is another reason that I hate when Lisa keeps asking me about cute boys or what I look for in men. I can't explain to her the last four and a half years of my life, what has led up to the feelings that I have now. I won't. And I think that this "person" and my issue with him defines the romantic aspect of my life. In some ways, I don't even feel like I'm lacking.]
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Those are just some of my thoughts. They're not particularly happy, and they may come off as angry or frustrated, but I've realized that this is my issue with Lisa, and I had to put it somewhere.
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