It's strange how nights like these I wish I was the type of person to toss a few shots back. And simply escape the reality that I have to live with every day.
There are things in my life that I am powerless to rectify, or that I haven't found a feasible solution to them yet. I am not the type of person to do stupid things because of how powerless I feel, and I know I cope with it by escaping into whatever TV show/ movie/ story. I also don't know what it is that prevents me from bursting into tears at the mere sight of things that are nagging at my emotions.
I don't think I'm a particularly "strong" person. Maybe I've learned to just give up control of those things and take back control of other things I've let go by the wayside.
There are certain moments that I wish I could just tweak a bit. And I'm not dwelling on the past. I just know the point in which things failed. And I'm trying to learn from that.At some point, I had to literally yell at my father in order to make him understand the gravity of his actions on several occasions. People don't understand the gravity of their actions. And they never will.
I know that if my mother hadn't started her doctoral degree, my home life wouldn't be in the disarray that it is.
I know certain things would not have happened, and while I don't know how I would've turned out, I know my father and sister would be different people.
I don't understand how it doesn't make you stay up at night, vomit, or sob to yourself that things have turned out this way. I don't understand how you can ignore your unease, how you can go to work every day, how you can look at us all the same way. I don't understand how you've resigned to your flesh and blood being addicted to drugs and cutting.
And you! You! How do you see us and believe in that moment, you understand everything? You aren't using your eyes. Do you see her skin? Do you see the blood, the sores, the scars? If you did, you wouldn't push the questions, ask things you have no right to know.
And you! You who stood by and let it all unfold. You, caught up in your own problems, couldn't even see the knives, the blades, and the metal scattered around her room. You actually deluded yourself into a reality that simply wasn't true. And how dare you decide later to give a damn, after the damage had been done.
I don't understand any of you. When I'm away, when I'm in college, I have to separate myself from all of you. I have to place a barrier so that I can succeed in my life.
I'm coming to the realization that there are simply some people that you cannot take with you, even if they're your family. I can't take any of you with me. And if you ask why, I'll say it's because of the injustices you committed that I've witnessed. I simply can't stomach any of it. If I remember you're my family, I'll run straight back.
So I've set up this barrier. You over there. Me over here.
I'll pretend our house is a television. I'll pretend it's nothing but a made-up story on a random channel. I'll pretend I can turn it off whenever I please. I'll pretend it doesn't affect me, and that you're just putting on a face for the camera. I'll pretend the emotions aren't real, and I'll pretend I'm the audience, just observing a stage.
Because I've tried. I've tried so hard. And I'm not surrendering- there's no white flag. I'm obviously not strong enough to stop this yet. I'm not experienced enough, old enough, wise enough. I haven't got the answers, stop asking me questions. I'll come back when I can do some good. I'll come back when you've learned from your mistakes, and I'll hope that when that time comes, you're all still alive and well. God knows if you all make it to that point, it'll be a miracle.
It makes me angry. It makes me depressed. It's the root of all my problems, a burden I've got to carry because it's part of who I am. If I could stifle it, I would. It's the burden of family.
...
How am I supposed to become the best possible version of myself when so many negative things are bringing me down?
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