I sat down last night to write after I finished my physics homework [I don't like the word "homework."] because I wrote about a page or so after my class yesterday. I typed up what I'd written on my little notebook paper page, and then BAM. I started having second thoughts. Let's just say that my second thoughts were such that I started breathing funny, feeling itchy all over, and very uncomfortable. I started reading all of my stuff, and it all felt like complete and utter shit.

So. I went to bed [it was almost 6:30 am]. But I couldn't shake the feeling like I'd lost something. Like the ability to come up with new ideas or at least put those ideas to paper. I realized that's why I've been feeling depressed. I feel like I'm losing what makes me happy. I want to say, "Fuck that, I do what I want!" and to start typing like a maniac, but it's not working. I'm sorry to say that if I do not write [or at least make up stories] I'll literally waste away.

Moving on. I'm thinking and thinking while waiting for sleep to overtake me, and I just felt like my stories [I have 3 that I'm working on at once. I do not know why I have 3. I just do.] were wrong. And I questioned the reason why I have infinite ideas for buildings [I seriously sit in design class and am able to do ANYTHING] but not ideas for stories. I decided it's harder for me to think up stories because writing is just closer to my heart than building. I think I'm afraid of betraying or letting myself down through writing. And if I do that, then I'll hurt myself more than failing with building. Once I realized that, I felt completely nauseous and lost and scared. And then my dreams were riddled with odd things.

I don't know. I don't think I'm making sense.

I feel like I'm a depressing person inside my head. I know I think too much, and this thinking will be my undoing {I feel like I said this last post}. But I can't help but think about these things.

Also, I have a wicked-ass idea for my novel-story-fiction items. It involves the internet, and I have only told like 3 family members. But I don't know how I'd start it.

----
On the upside, I like oranges. And iced tea.

I am changing the layout of my room. All of this random shit from grade school is going into the basement. I realized that because I've entered a new stage of my life [college], things from before them just seem irrelevant. Like I should throw them away.

Oh, also, I have my physics class every Monday and Wednesday from 10:10 to 12:20 for lecture, and then from 1:something to 3:something for lab. My Mondays and Wednesdays are SHOT. Boo.

written on 5.16.2010; uploaded & revised now

Random Thoughts of the Day
I was never joking when I said that I wanted to be a writer. I don't understand why I never get acknowledgment for that wish. For the fact that I'm still working on it. I do not care that my cousin (who is currently living with us) has her master's degree in creative writing. However, I do care when my own mother refers to my writing as a "stint" that I was "joking" about. I did not want to go to college for it because I didn't want anyone telling me how to write. And I didn't want to become a cookie cutter writer. Thanks people, thanks for expecting me to make you a building but not a book. You build me up just to tear me down again.

Some things that I'm doing this summer…

1. T.V. on the Internet

Real Housewives of New Jersey
Fringe [I just finished watching the season finale. This is an amazing show.]
Stargate Universe [Until the season ends.]
White Collar [When the next season begins in June.]
Happy Town [Every summer, my sister and I adopt a show to watch. Last year it was Harper's Island. This year it's Happy Town. ]
Gossip Girl [Until I finish watching season 3, then I'll be done. ]
FlashForward [One more episode in the entire series... It was cancelled. Good show, though.]

2. The Internet

LiveJournal (ONTD, ONTD_Political, etc.)
Glamour.com
Playing games
Reading nonsensical blogs
Blogger
Reading my eBooks from Barnes and Noble

3. Writing

Fanfiction (Harry Potter!)
Personal Fiction

4. Physics Class

5. Cleaning My Room (it's full of things from grade school that I do not need anymore)

6. Movies & Books (I have a long list of movies I want to see. I have over 30 books on my shelf that I've not read yet.)


I've also decided that I'm going to focus on internal things. Namely, my health. My health hasn't been good as of late, and right now my head aches.My health, and my feelings about my body. And how to fix my hair.

So really, I only want those things to matter to me during this summer. I'm tired of feeling unfulfilled at the end of the day.

^^^^^^

Today [5.23.2010]

So yes. I'm still feeling unfulfilled and entirely inadequate. I don't know what to do with myself. But I know I need to start working out again because I feel better when I do. I've been depressed lately, thinking of existential things that shouldn't matter right now, but I think about things too much. I'm mostly scared to go to sleep because I know my mind will drift to those thoughts. That's why I don't sleep until 6am. Because I'm scared of my own mind. I'm literally scared of my own thoughts. The only thing that comforts me is that I know that everyone else in the world will face the same things too, that I'm not alone.

I'm scared to think or feel any emotion right now. This is not a good feeling. I've confirmed that my worst enemy is myself.

I think I should stop this post and read funny things so that I won't feel so bad.

Odd Thought

Just a strange thought that crossed my mind today. The only person (outside of my family) that has ever kissed me was my hairdresser. And she kissed me on my forehead. Last week. How inexperienced am I? Sheesh. Just a thought.

Random Things I've Been Thinking About

1.) I really love nature. I dunno, I just love all nature. All types. [My least favorite is snowy places, but I can endure those.] I love trees. I love grass. I love sleeping out in the sun.

2.) I have a personal space problem. I'm an extremely affectionate person with my family, hugging them and kissing them. But around friends, I can't do it. I think it's just that society likes their space. And I can't tell when it's appropriate to be affectionate either. I also think that sometimes I come off as unable to be compassionate, which isn't true.

3.) I'm going to write a series of vignettes about my [old] dorm apartment roommates. Their stories are individually so strange, so sad, so fiery. I feel compelled to write it down at some point. It would do them a great injustice not to. Truth is stranger than fiction. {"Who're you tellin'?" Yeah, thanks.}

4.) My freshman year at an HBCU made me a … hm… "more assertive" person. I think it's because I've really decided that I don't care if I hurt someone's feelings as long as I tell them the truth. I've actually told people that they're whores. [I'm a straight up G, fool. XD]

5.) I am in love with the idea of fashioning something for someone else that impacts his or her life. Hence writing and architecture.

6.) I have three "selves": the person I am in my head, the person that I project to others, and the person I really am. The person in my head looks a bit different than the person I really am, the person I project to others is a lot more practical and put-together than I really am, and the person I really am is... well, someone I keep close to my heart.

7.) I can't tell you what I learned in my first year of design studio, but I do know that I can go into an art supply store and tell you what it's all for and I know how to use 75% of what's in there. O_o random knowledge.

8.) My home life scares me a bit. I feel like we're walking a tightrope, my parents, my sister, and I. On April Fools' Day, it pretty much all fell apart, and we're still picking up the pieces.

9.) It's really hard for me to blog regularly. I have no clue why. It's also hard for me to write regularly. Or sleep or eat or watch TV regularly, actually. Oh, my life.