myself

I sit here in my bed, cuddled in my blankets before this computer not knowing what to say or how to express myself. I sit here crying, angry and disgusted with myself.

I wonder if my fear of speaking up against people stems from me not wanting to hurt them or because I am weak. I wonder if my polite, nice aspects about myself have turned from being a virtue to a hindrance.

And I wish someone would show me how to become stronger, to become who I want to be. But no one can. I have to rely on myself, and not knowing where to begin disgusts me.

At what point do I break? At what point do I scream and shout and lash out and take back control? Because now I feel so helpless. But not that I can't do things myself. But because I'm letting myself down.

I can't lie to myself. I know what has to be done. I know how I should do things. What stops me? Am I that worried of what others think? Am I so weak that I have to acquiesce to others and be what they label me as?

I know what I want. I know in my heart what's right. I know in my soul what I need in order to make myself happy. Why can't I just screw everyone else and do it?

I look at myself, my eight-year-old self and ask everyday if my younger self would be proud of who I have become. And I don't know that answer. When did I become so weak? When did I become so disgusting, so unwilling to stand for myself and all I hold dear?

I never ever wanted to be viewed as weak. I don't care if I'm ugly, fat, poorly-dressed, an asshole, unintelligent, but I want to be strong. I want nothing else than to endure. Nothing else.

When did my endurance transform into becoming a doormat, being stepped and tramped upon? Endurance is staying there, when it gets tough- unwavering, surviving.

...

When that teacher proposed that I didn't have the drive to become an architect- I'm not angry that he said it. I'm just wondering if that's how I seem. Do I seem frivolous, unworthy of carving any bit of my destiny with my own hands? Because I'm not. I truly am not.

It disgusts me that I haven't shown anyone else the vision of myself that exists in my head.

Do people really see me as short, young, inexperienced, timid, shy, slight, frivolous, dumb, and silly? Do I really seem that way? Maybe I should stop helping others. Maybe I should dress older than I am. Maybe I should stop smiling. Maybe I should stop telling jokes to cheer others up. Maybe I should grow a foot. Maybe I should be gregarious. Maybe I should go out to parties. Maybe I should take up drinking. Maybe I should stop making brownies for my classmates. Maybe I should lie. Maybe I should straighten my hair. Maybe I should stop having faith in people. Maybe I should stop trying to be in others' lives. Maybe I should change my entire view on everything I stand for.

Doing those things, is that what's going to make you respect me? Make you think I'm serious? Make you think I'm intelligent? Make you think I'm worth a damn?

I would say I'm sorry, but I won't apologize for your skewed view of myself.

...

I think this might be the last time I put up with this mess. I'm done. The moment my line was crossed was when that professor told me that I had no drive for architecture. Usually, I would think that because this has happened so many times in my life that the problem is me. No. Not this time. I've thought it over, and I'm done beating up myself when I'm not wrong. Next time, I'll aim my fists at the person who's attacking me.

I'm done feeling hurt. And I'm done with others labeling me. I'm done with people laughing at my opinions, and I'm done with the crap I put up with on a daily basis.

I always equate myself with water. I'm done being a winding river, intent on slowly shaping my environment. I'm focusing on being water rapids with a waterfall at the end, because that's obviously the only part of my nature you'll pay attention to. You thought it was an easy boat ride, but goddamn, you will rue the day. You're going to drown.