this is mine.

I have this issue of mine, where I don't like to worry people. Or, I should say, worry my parents. It's because I see that they work hard to give me things, so I don't ask for many things. I give up not having those clothes so that they can buy things for the house.

For example, I have health issues I don't like to tell anyone. In the past five months, I've had extensive blood work, ultrasounds, and CT scans. I've been missing school as well. I've had tests because I am constantly in pain. Constantly. Period? I'm drugged, and my sides are still splitting open and I am on the verge of throwing my guts on the floor. I leave every class period to walk the halls so I won't throw up in class. My ultrasounds have showed that there is something on my left ovary. But they won't tell us what it is. Migraines? I've had the same headache since January. It'll stop for a day or two, then it returns. My ultra-super-special pain medication only takes the edge off. I close my eyes all the time; it looks like I'm sleeping, but it's really just too bright or too loud. Once, I found myself in my house on my couch after school, and I couldn't remember how I got there. Things started shaking and spinning, and I stayed very still in order to not throw up/make the thing worse. My doctor is trying to pass it off as a "serious sinus infection" that I've had for a while. My doctor bills have become expensive. I'd rather keep the pain than have you alleviate it with your money that you need to pay for the mortgage.

Another example. I'd really like to go to prom. For the experience of just being there. But I knew it was expensive, so I refrained from asking my mother. She got angry with me when she discovered that I wanted to go; she said I had to "take initiative" to get what I want. But what I want is expensive. And I don't want you to skip out on eating dinners and buying tile for the bathroom for my want to go to the prom. I don't want to see you secretly pouring over bills while crying about the economy and then just curling up in your bed to sleep in order to get away. That's why I didn't ask. Well, she asked me to calculate all of the expenses I'd need for the next two months, including prom. This comes to be almost five hundred dollars. She sighed and said she'd pay it. Then she asked my dad for permission for me to go- they're arguing about it at the moment. My father's talking about American culture and boys and the stupidity of it all. And I'm crying here because I know that I'm asking for too much and I should just study for AP Exams and think about college and write off going to prom. But I am so very afraid of missed chances and looking back on things and deciding that I regret what I did or did not do.

So right now I am just aching. I haven't had a full eight hours of sleep in one stretch since this semester started. My head hurts, my knees are aching because I need new sneakers to run in (another thing I need money for), my hair needs to be washed, my parents are arguing, I need to go work out and run my mile because if I don't my other joint issues will come back (because I'm clinically depressed, don't you know, and the endorphins from working out counteract that), I'm tired as hell, I have another half of a Calculus test tomorrow, my room is a mess, my college applications are on hold because I don't have the money to send with it, I need to fill out that goddamned FAFSA, I need to do French Club shit that no one but me will do even though they complain that "not enough is being done," I have clothes to fold and put away, my sister is sick, my father is tired, my mother is waiting for her course grades to be posted, and I'm sitting here just typing this.

I walked home from the bus stop today in the warm, shining sun and the calm breeze, and I looked around me and almost cried because I was just so happy to be alive.

I'm sorry for ranting. I just wanted to put that down to paper.
Why is it that no one knows how to hug anyone anymore? Hugs used to feel wholesome, now they just feel empty. People are too goddamned conscious of personal space, that's it. They're afraid, I think, that if they hug someone, they just might feel something. They want to sit in their fake emotions that they've made by not being with people. They sit around and sling their "I love you" words like they're nothing. Well, I'm not that shallow. Yes, I'm going to have to pretend that everything's alright and that I don't have 32497938 problems to solve tomorrow, but at least I'll know the truth and not deny it to myself. I wish I didn't care and that appearances meant nothing to me.
Speaking of which, I guess that's why I like Rorschach from Watchmen so much.

Resolution: If someone asks me how I'm doing tomorrow, I'm going to say, "pretty crappy, how about you?"

Resolution: If someone asks me one more time what I want to do with my life, I'm going to tell them, "I want to dabble in the sublime."