Day 28 - What about a veggie/hamburger based off Inception?: It'd be called "Specificity." It would be a turkey burger, because I can't have beef. It would have really great omnoms on it, such as sautéed onions and peppers. With provolone cheese. It would be simple yet classic. It can also be vegan.
Day 29 - Yes/No/Maybe So? Whatever day! I'd like to say that I do love Inception, just because it's everything I like put into one place. I'd work so well in that world. I know I'd be one of the best, too. Ugh. I love Inception. And anyone who doesn't understand (or is annoyed by) my love for it just doesn't know me very well. My life, like Inception, seems so very normal, with a few exceptions. And when you take those exceptions and take a look at me, you'll see that those exceptions define who I am. Like Cobb- he's normal except for his dreaming. But his dreaming defines who he is. ♥
Day 30 - A letter to Christopher Nolan: You, sir, are brilliant. I think that taking an idea and extrapolating on it the way you have is just beautiful. I want to take your mind and make sweet love to it. And I'm not joking. I often love people for their minds and not just their bodies/looks. And your mind is one of the most absolutely beautiful I have ever seen. That is the highest compliment I give. And also- I don't know what you or your brother's problem is with losing wives/ girlfriends, but it's hella weird. Thank you for your time, and keep it up. I may not be your craziest fan, but I sure as hell adore your movies and your devices that make them so good.
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I don't know how to tell people my problems. Especially my family. I talk a lot. Literally about nothing that really matters. I can't tell my parents about my D in Physics. And I can't call my grandfather to tell him how I'm doing. I can't.
Reasons. Well, my parents, I can't tell them because I feel like they have so much stress on their plates right now. My mother is dealing with a new child in the household (my cousin who needs major help), her doctorate degree, and her new motherfucking crazy as shit principal boss (I met him, shook his hand, and saw his eyes. They were fucking empty. There was nothing behind his eyes. And I'm very good about sensing people.). My mother is thinking about quitting her job, but she needs the money. And she's so very tired. Telling her about my misfortunes would only bring more on her plate. My father is fasting and dealing with his issues at work. Fasting takes a lot of willpower, as I know from experience. I don't want to say that going without food does not affect me personally, but it's interesting. You don't realize how much you think/talk/do with food until you have to not do it. But my father is dealing with a lot, and it's even hurting my mother psychologically. My grandfather, every time I call, always asks me if I'm okay. In every way possible. He offers to send me money- thousands of dollars at a time. But I tell him I'm fine. That I'm okay and don't need it. How do you tell someone that "yes, I'd like five thousand, and then I'll be okay"? I can't. I don't like asking or telling people I need money. But I do need it.
I fucking hate money. It makes our world spin. And I hate it. I owe my mother $1200 dollars. I need $2200 for my housing. I need a couple hundred for food and books and a P.O. box and clothes. I don't like that money has so much of a hold on me. I feel sick thinking about it.
So I can't tell my parents that I failed because it means their money has gone to waste. I know I've said it before, but it means that I have failed and disappointed them. My grandfather included. For some reason, my family holds me in such high regard, speaking of me higher than my older cousins who are older than me by almost a decade. I am happy to honor them as I can, but it hurts so much. And here in the solitude of my apartment, I've had hours to contemplate things that I really don't want to.
Speaking of family. I've always been able to read people properly, consciously or subconsciously. I was stressing out about the fact that I never thanked my aunt for my new Victoria's Secret PINK FAMU pants. Then I realized that she hadn't spoken to me the whole time I was in PA. Then I realized that the things that happened last April Fools' Day were still mulling over in her heart. And then I decided "screw her." She will never know how much I cried over what she did to my family. She won't ever know what I carry in my heart. How I can feel her hate for my mother over state lines. My mother doesn't visit my PA family because of the contempt they have for her. Only my grandfather and my cray-cray uncle ever come and see my mother. And I know now. That because I am her daughter, I will never be loved like the others. Neither will my sister. Maybe that's why my grandfather does so much for us. They all know something, something that they don't want us to know. I think it either has something to do with our large, secretive family. Or. I think it has to do with the supernatural.
The very worst thing. Someone can do to me is disappoint me. The very worst. People whose minds are closed, they do that. People who hurt my sister, they do that. People who don't want to understand anything, they do that. People who do not listen or think I'm too naive to listen, they do that. I can't explain, but disappointing me is so hard to do that I literally break apart over it. Feelings and people's minds and people's words are so close to me that it hurts. Physically, mentally, spiritually. It fucking hurts. And I can never tell them, because voicing it tears me up more than keeping it a secret does. It makes it real.
So. Do not fuck with me. This goes to family most of all. I can forget you. Even though it is a sin to do so, and even though betraying blood is bad. Do not cross me. You break me down when you don't understand. I am not a child inside my mind. I do have much to learn, but I can see more than you want to. I have faults, I have problems. But I try to do so much to jump those hurdles. And you never notice it. Don't, for the love of God, don't you fuck with me like that. You hurting me in your way is nothing. Nothing, compared to my abhorrence for what you've done. I cannot find the words for what my family has done, and I won't say what they did. But I will show you all one day. That you shouldn't've forgotten about me.
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On the upside. School starts Monday. 8D well. that's a change of mood, hey?
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