happy fucking new year, by the way.

A couple things I would like to say.

First off, I've noticed that I am a bit of a prude, but only with dealing with boys in real life. If a guy says something suggestive to me, it's an immediate turn off. Yet, with how much sexual content I expose myself to on a regular basis, it's got a bit of a duality to it. Ahaha, and I know that if I did have a boyfriend, I wouldn't be a prude to him. Hahahaha. ... Also, I've noticed I'm a prude only when I'm concerned. Because it'd be too freaking weird if I ever got with anyone, oh my goodness.

Second. I'm changing. I don't know what happened over the semester break, but I am changing. And I like it. My capacity to tolerate bullshit is lessening, and I'm not as "nice." I'm glad that I'm "standing up for myself" more, saying what bothers me, and not trying not to hurt people's feelings in order to reduce friction/conflict.

Third. I've realized that I am sick and tired of the "friends" I have. As in, if you ask me to hang out and I'm subconsciously dreading it, that's not friendship. If I am looking at the clock wondering when the hell I can leave your apartment, that's not friendship. If I have to "regroup" and spend a day by myself after I see you, that's not friendship. I shouldn't have to recover from your idiocy. Friends are people that I'm supposed to be comfortable around. And I'm realizing that those people are not the ones I talk to on Facebook or my former roommates. They make my head hurt, and that can't be what friendship is.

I'm fucking tired of Lisa and Martine here at FAMU. I'm fucking tired of Camille and Denise and high school people who still say they want to be my friend. Because every time I see them, I feel like I'm faking it. Yet when I hang out with Courtney or Tia or internet friends, I feel okay and my headaches go away. BAAAHHHH.

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Fourth thing is the biggest. ... This whole thing about not having kissed a guy yet... That's my surface issue. On a deeper level, I feel like I'll never find someone who feels that way about me that I like. I don't know what it is about me that turns guys off. But I do know that the guys I find attractive normally don't view me in the same manner. That's annoying.

It's a strange place to be, not having kissed someone. Not having anyone you label as your boyfriend. And what's stranger is that no one can believe it. Even the guys in my studio class sense it, and they're always like "we're going to take you out to a club!" ... *rolls eyes*

Where do you go to find someone that understands you, yet is still different enough to be interesting and new? Where do you go to find someone that is not intimidated by the vibes you give off? Where do you find someone that doesn't think that being Muslim is an instant turn off? Where do you go to find someone that's sensible, smart, open-minded, humorous, cute, and sweet? You can't find that shit in a club or in your history class. So I wish people would stop bugging me about it.

It doesn't sadden me that I haven't gotten a kiss or a boyfriend yet. Or held hands with a boy or hugged a boy. It saddens me that I can't see myself finding a person that I would be willing to give all of those firsts to. Feels like you've been let down. Or you're letting yourself down by not even trying. I cannot explain this feeling. But whenever I look up pictures of couples, my heart wobbles like a baby deer taking his first steps, and then a shot of fear injects itself into me, reminding me that I do not know what the skin of someone else feels like. The simplest thing, someone's skin. And I have no clue what it means.

I fucking understand why people get arranged marriages or their parents introduce them to people to marry.

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On a related note, a couple weeks ago, we went to my favorite wing place (it's a sports bar esque place) in Tallahassee to pick up some Carolina gold chicken wings. My mom and I sat and waited for them, and I looked around at all of the people drinking and watching the game. They were my age. I turned to my mother and was like, "Am I young or something? Because these are my peers. I feel mentally older than them, but physically younger." She replied, "q_q I do not understand why you are so little, but yes, you're youthful. *pets my hand* Enjoy it! Damn, your hands are small."

Thank you mother. =_=

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Also, news bulletin. If things were different, I could see myself doing drugs or being a closet party girl. Because it seems quite logical.

Also, I find it quite romantic when people throw themselves headfirst into things they love to do. Be that dancing, music, writing, math, photography, partying, whatever. Because if you take a photograph of someone doing what they love best, they look completely beautiful. Just so happy, like an ethereal aura is around them.

I wanted to end this on a good note, lmao.