just a feeling

I don’t understand this feeling. Maybe I’m not supposed to. Maybe I’m just too naïve.

The first time I wanted to be near someone this much- he died. For some reason, I still blame myself. The second time I wanted to be near someone this much- he left me with an illness in my body that took me years to get over. Even now I’ve still got scars.

This is the third time. They say the third time’s the charm, but I’m not so sure. I’m not sure because I don’t know what to do. I am driven- compelled, even- to action, but for the love of all that is holy, I just cannot. It’s the part I play. All the time. I don’t speak. I don’t smile. I don’t even glance. I’m sending you mixed messages because I’m scared.

Thoughts of you send lighting and fire down my nerves, you settle in my stomach like a storm over the sea. And I really don’t understand what that means. I’ve had baby crushes, it’s true. I’ve never wanted to obtain the person, to convey to them what I felt. Because I truly didn’t want them- I just loved how they were in some particular moment. And then it was gone- the rush of blood to the skull was gone. But you? You’re sending me to a place I’m uncomfortable with, that makes me sick and ill and screwed over. No one knows that. That I can’t breathe before I see you. That I shake. That I shiver. That my mind can’t seem to stomp you out of itself. You’re all I’m seeing- even when I close my eyes you’re in my periphery.

And yet when we talked, it was like a hot shower after a long day or a cool swim in a shallow pool. Refreshing and needed and so good. All those doubts fell away. All those anxieties and little worries- gone. Poof. What does that mean? Time moved so fast and yet so slow.

I can tell that you glow. I can tell that you shine. Your wavelength is resonating so I can hear it, and I hope I’m playing the right song back to you. I’ve always been able to take one look at a person and know. Well, I know.

I’m crying because I’m silly. I don’t know how to say this. And no one ever really wants to know what’s beneath the beating of one’s heart. You don’t want to know. And I’m sad about that. Or maybe you do. But I’m still sad about it. Because my fears have always held me back. I can’t unchain myself because it’s easy. It’s easy to sit here shackled, not exploring. I’m a caged bird- I sing, I appear happy. But I do wonder what’s beyond my bars.

I’m crying because I’m screaming it to you. I’m screaming it, and I want this. I really do. But I guess I don’t want it enough, because I’m not telling you this from my mouth. You’re shining to me. You really are. The shine isn’t fading. The sun still seems brighter if you’re there.

How do I know that this is true? That this isn’t one of those other baby crushes?

There’s two categories of those baby things, and you fall into neither. People I want to obtain and become, and people I want to just simply love.

I don’t want to become you. And I don’t want to simply love you. I want to have you. Have you. I want you to breathe life into me, make me feel what I’ve wanted to feel for so long. I thought I was broken. And I know you could make me realize that I don’t need to be fixed. I’m attracted to you and what your shine is. And I need it. I never thought I could want someone for their body, but I do. I don’t find the thought of you appalling- I welcome it. Which is a strange thing. For me.

Your hair. Your arms. Your mouth. Your eyes. Your smile. I’d like to touch you, to taste you. I want your body, yes, but I also want your heart, your mind, your soul. I’m burning for you. I touch myself in place of you and, damn, it’s embarrassing to admit, even if no one will see this. I just want to be in your company. No matter how long it takes- it’s all I want. Is that silly? Is that love? What makes me tick that makes me feel this way about you, just you? And the other two, they didn’t make me feel like this. This is bad. This is terrible. It’s sickening.

I’ve asked others what I should do, but they don’t get it. They don’t understand how hard it is for me to even look in your direction, to say hello. It’s hard because you’re full of possibilities. It’s hard because in an instant, it could fall apart, and the sparks I feel between us could fizzle and fade. It’s hard because I don’t understand, and you probably do. It’s hard because I don’t know what to do, and you probably do. It’s hard because I don’t know what you’re thinking, and you do.

I’m asking for help, but I’m just so pissed off that the answers I need are ones that reside within me. I know what to do. And what holds me back is fear. Of failure, rejection. Not hurt. You could hurt me, after the fact, and I’d be fine. But to know that you never saw my shine, that my song never reached your ears, that would kill me. My wavelength doesn’t resonate with just anyone, and I’m really afraid that includes you.

So I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid that I’ll let that fear keep me from what I want yet again. I can make all the excuses I want. But in the end it’s just me.

I pray that you’ll say hi. That you’ll smile on the stairway. That you’ll hold open doors for me again and pass me the attendance. I pray that we’ll have another conversation. Maybe over coffee. I pray that you like nice music, and that you love films. I pray that you’ll tell me we’ll take it slow. And I pray that you take my hand. I pray that this burning feeling I’ve got quenches, and that my body bathes in the waters of your life. I pray that you’ll send me pretty letters and pictures while I send you funny videos and brownies. I pray that things actually happen instead of staying stagnant.

I pray that I’m actually strong enough to do what I want and not give a damn what others think, including you.