written on 5.16.2010; uploaded & revised now

Random Thoughts of the Day
I was never joking when I said that I wanted to be a writer. I don't understand why I never get acknowledgment for that wish. For the fact that I'm still working on it. I do not care that my cousin (who is currently living with us) has her master's degree in creative writing. However, I do care when my own mother refers to my writing as a "stint" that I was "joking" about. I did not want to go to college for it because I didn't want anyone telling me how to write. And I didn't want to become a cookie cutter writer. Thanks people, thanks for expecting me to make you a building but not a book. You build me up just to tear me down again.

Some things that I'm doing this summer…

1. T.V. on the Internet

Real Housewives of New Jersey
Fringe [I just finished watching the season finale. This is an amazing show.]
Stargate Universe [Until the season ends.]
White Collar [When the next season begins in June.]
Happy Town [Every summer, my sister and I adopt a show to watch. Last year it was Harper's Island. This year it's Happy Town. ]
Gossip Girl [Until I finish watching season 3, then I'll be done. ]
FlashForward [One more episode in the entire series... It was cancelled. Good show, though.]

2. The Internet

LiveJournal (ONTD, ONTD_Political, etc.)
Glamour.com
Playing games
Reading nonsensical blogs
Blogger
Reading my eBooks from Barnes and Noble

3. Writing

Fanfiction (Harry Potter!)
Personal Fiction

4. Physics Class

5. Cleaning My Room (it's full of things from grade school that I do not need anymore)

6. Movies & Books (I have a long list of movies I want to see. I have over 30 books on my shelf that I've not read yet.)


I've also decided that I'm going to focus on internal things. Namely, my health. My health hasn't been good as of late, and right now my head aches.My health, and my feelings about my body. And how to fix my hair.

So really, I only want those things to matter to me during this summer. I'm tired of feeling unfulfilled at the end of the day.

^^^^^^

Today [5.23.2010]

So yes. I'm still feeling unfulfilled and entirely inadequate. I don't know what to do with myself. But I know I need to start working out again because I feel better when I do. I've been depressed lately, thinking of existential things that shouldn't matter right now, but I think about things too much. I'm mostly scared to go to sleep because I know my mind will drift to those thoughts. That's why I don't sleep until 6am. Because I'm scared of my own mind. I'm literally scared of my own thoughts. The only thing that comforts me is that I know that everyone else in the world will face the same things too, that I'm not alone.

I'm scared to think or feel any emotion right now. This is not a good feeling. I've confirmed that my worst enemy is myself.

I think I should stop this post and read funny things so that I won't feel so bad.