I sat down last night to write after I finished my physics homework [I don't like the word "homework."] because I wrote about a page or so after my class yesterday. I typed up what I'd written on my little notebook paper page, and then BAM. I started having second thoughts. Let's just say that my second thoughts were such that I started breathing funny, feeling itchy all over, and very uncomfortable. I started reading all of my stuff, and it all felt like complete and utter shit.

So. I went to bed [it was almost 6:30 am]. But I couldn't shake the feeling like I'd lost something. Like the ability to come up with new ideas or at least put those ideas to paper. I realized that's why I've been feeling depressed. I feel like I'm losing what makes me happy. I want to say, "Fuck that, I do what I want!" and to start typing like a maniac, but it's not working. I'm sorry to say that if I do not write [or at least make up stories] I'll literally waste away.

Moving on. I'm thinking and thinking while waiting for sleep to overtake me, and I just felt like my stories [I have 3 that I'm working on at once. I do not know why I have 3. I just do.] were wrong. And I questioned the reason why I have infinite ideas for buildings [I seriously sit in design class and am able to do ANYTHING] but not ideas for stories. I decided it's harder for me to think up stories because writing is just closer to my heart than building. I think I'm afraid of betraying or letting myself down through writing. And if I do that, then I'll hurt myself more than failing with building. Once I realized that, I felt completely nauseous and lost and scared. And then my dreams were riddled with odd things.

I don't know. I don't think I'm making sense.

I feel like I'm a depressing person inside my head. I know I think too much, and this thinking will be my undoing {I feel like I said this last post}. But I can't help but think about these things.

Also, I have a wicked-ass idea for my novel-story-fiction items. It involves the internet, and I have only told like 3 family members. But I don't know how I'd start it.

----
On the upside, I like oranges. And iced tea.

I am changing the layout of my room. All of this random shit from grade school is going into the basement. I realized that because I've entered a new stage of my life [college], things from before them just seem irrelevant. Like I should throw them away.

Oh, also, I have my physics class every Monday and Wednesday from 10:10 to 12:20 for lecture, and then from 1:something to 3:something for lab. My Mondays and Wednesdays are SHOT. Boo.