Lately I've realized how much I don't like whining over the internet because I've been on LiveJournal reading fanfiction and commenting happily. But here's a rant/ whining anyway.

I realize that I don't like confrontation. I can't confront anyone about anything because I think in some small way, I'm intimidated. That is not to say I lack self-confidence. What I mean is that I think being in close proximity to people (i.e. living with them) makes me highly sensitive to having disagreements with those people. [Because I feel emotional/mood waves coming off of people, if it's not right, I'll do anything to keep a proper ratio of those vibes radiating. And the vibes that end up hitting me had better be the frequency I want. {I'm sorry if that makes no sense.}] Anyway, these people that you have disagreements with and live with- they could seriously screw you over or make living in that place uneasy. That is the case with my RA, Shannon.

When something's wrong, I always look inward first. Examples: "Oh no- she's got a frown- did I leave something on? Did I say something strange?" Rarely do I look outward first. So, at first, when my RA started complaining to me that things were wrong with what I was cleaning, I was like "oh no! let me go check this!" And a deep guilt bubbled in my stomach. So I cleaned everything over (even though I was tired or had other things to do) and tried not to step on her toes. Yet still, the vibes she radiated were positively mean. I kept rechecking myself over and over (and when anyone asked, I just said "oh, I'll talk to her about it later" or "oh no, it's fine now."). And you know what I've found? The problem is not me. And I know you're probably like "well duh, it's not you." It takes me a long time to realize those things. I think it's because I don't like confrontation. If I confront her, that means acknowledging (other than the fact that she obviously does not like me) that I have to "fight" for something that shouldn't really matter in the first place. The only things I fight for are the things that I love most in life. But this girl is really starting to anger me. And goodness knows I have such bad anger issues that I scare my parents.

The RA likes to keep the air (currently) on 66 degrees, because she says that she likes it cold, that temperature helps to fight germs, and that the apartment heats up too easily. There is a [new] note on the thermostat that says if we change the temperature, she'll fine the whole apartment. Now, I'll tell you right now that I've been wearing hoodies and sweats the whole time I've been living here in 162 3K, and it's 90-something degrees outside. It's so cold and dry that I wake up with nosebleeds and my skin is gray and patchy and literally flaking from the cold. I'm also getting sick and I'm wrapped in blankets. She says to "open the window" if we're cold. When you open the window, you can hear the construction outside, and it's cool at night. It doesn't even equalize the temperature.

She's messing with my living environment. And sooner or later, I will lash out. It's not good to keep things bottled up- I know. It's not good to explode either. But I just have too much going on in my life for her to fuck with my environment like this.

My scholarship has not been posted. I worked hard enough and was fortunate enough to get tuition and fees paid. I also have a stipend from the school of architecture for almost a thousand dollars per semester as spending money. I need that money. Last Thursday, I went out to eat for the first time this semester [it was too good, too]; I didn't spend very much. Last Saturday, I went to go get my prescriptions filled because I finally had the time and money to get them. To put it nicely, I had to leave some prescriptions because my insurance decided that it didn't want to give me the whole discount. So I got some printer ink with my prescriptions, got some food. The following Sunday, I went to the art supply store to get materials for models. Then on Monday, I got an alert from the bank saying my balance was zero dollars. Heaven knows I don't buy anything other than food, school supplies, and art supplies. And now I've got a giant project due Monday and I don't even have enough money to buy the materials I need (I already used the other materials from Sunday). Never mind the fact that I have almost no food in my apartment. I even have to pick and choose which of my dirty clothes I'm going to wash because I just don't have enough money to wash everything.

My health is suffering from lack of money and because of my RA. I have no food, no materials for projects/ school, no medicine for the cold I have because of the draft in the apartment, no proper medicine for my migraines (which I'm getting due to all of this stress).

I'm seriously contemplating not going to class tomorrow. Just because I'm so damn tired, and my spirit is riddled with cracks. My very soul is tired of this. I just want to lock the door and sleep. I'm seriously contemplating finding Shannon and giving her a piece of my mind because I'm sick and tired and I'm tired of being sick and tired.

The panic attacks got better. As much as I don't like being around people, I have to be around them or else I'll get overwhelmed when I go to lecture halls and there are 70 people in the same room as me. The panic attacks got better, but my heart just feels so much heavier.