I think I could quite possibly be "demisexual," which is "a person who does not experience sexual attraction until they form a strong emotional connection with someone, often (but not always) in a romantic relationship."

I've never felt sexual attraction for a person. Ever. Of course, I know I have "turn-ons" or "kinks," but I've never wanted sex with anyone. I know that of certain celebrities I'll say "wow he's sexy," but to me that just means that I find them attractive- something about them is attractive. And honestly, I'm more attracted to their personality or their spirit than their body. I have the same attraction to Garrett Hedlund from Tron as I do CL from 2NE1. Kate Winslet and Tom Hiddleston are even the same in my head.

I've always wanted to be in a relationship with someone. But it would be a long time before they got anything sexual out of me. I think that's why it grosses me out when someone refers to me in a sexual manner- I'm demisexual.

It's not that I prescribe to a label- I do think sexuality is like a spectrum; there are different intensities. It's just, I've always found it odd that I couldn't identify with anyone. People in college (or even my mom) would say something sexual, like they wanted to have relations with another person, and I'd always find that so weird that I couldn't honestly say the same.

I have affinities for people, but that never means I want them sexually. Even in school, if I talked about a crush I had, it wasn't a "normal" teenage thing. I didn't want to be in a relationship with them. There was just something about them that I liked and wanted to incorporate into my life.

If I were to be in a relationship, I know the person would have to try really hard. They'd probably really "want me" for a while, but have to just wait. And it's not because I'm a virgin. I really honestly don't want sexual contact with people. I may want hugs and kisses, but that's affection and not sexual.

Strangely, I do want to someday be with someone in a physical capacity. But because I never express interest in finding a romantic partner (mainly because it seems like all people want is sex), everyone assumes I'm either a lesbian or that I'm just weird. I confess that I'm not attracted to people at all. And it's hard to strike up friendships with people that may be "potentials" because I'm awkward. And it's a disservice to one's friends if you've chosen them as friends because they might mean something romantically/sexually to you later on. Also, as this little demisexual wiki says, "demisexuality may make forming romantic or sexual relationships more difficult for some people. Demisexuals often make first impressions with sexuals of being "just friends", which may make the sexual value the relationship less." Plus, I may not be sexually attracted to people, but I am attracted to people to the point where I'd want to be friends with them. I know exactly what kinds of friends I want, and I know exactly how I'd want my future romantic partner to be.

People and their relationships fascinate me, partially because I gauge what "normal" is and because I don't know how I fit into all of that. I've never been comfortable discussing my sexuality with people, and I realize now that it's because I honestly never knew what it was. I always thought there was something "wrong with me," and I forced myself to pick a person and like them like my friends would. And in order to seem like my friends, I'd go hardcore with the liking. Later on, I realized I never liked the person to begin with.

Even now, I find myself getting caught up in trying to be attractive towards others, just to prove to myself there's nothing wrong with me, that I'm "normal." But honestly, I've never been what Western/American society would consider "normal," in any aspect of my life. Over the years, I've accepted the mold that makes up just who I am, and I am really not afraid of said mold.

When I think about what I want in a person, I just think that I want their insides to be beautiful. I can tell immediately when I meet someone if they have that quality. The friends I have now fit into my "beautiful" requirement, and that's all I ask for. I think this is why sometimes I can see I'd be satisfied with having my family set up a marriage for me, just as long as the person was good-natured. But part of me hates that might be the only way for me to have a happy ending. That because of the way we are in society, the way I want to experience a relationship is unacceptable.

I think I'm just going to have to wait a while to find someone willing to be that person in my life. I'm not talking about "the one;" I just mean that I am honestly unable to pursue that because it's just not who I am. I'm tired of trying to be what I am not. I just want to be the purest, best version of myself.

And I think putting this all to words is part of the journey to get to that point.